We could be heroes.

Hello again! Today wasn't a bad day at all! Visited Syd & cute little Zayn. Danced around with Jordan. :) it's been a while since Brock & I have talked a bunch & the last few days we've talked here & there. (I start all the conversations now, of course) ... But it doesn't feel the same. Busy or not, he still checks Facebook & won't text me back. He doesn't send me pictures back like he used to.. It's like he's already getting over the thought of me.. I know I shouldn't care but I do. Because it's a repetitive process.. I don't even really want to meet him cuz I know how it's going to go. My heart will get involved & I'll fall for him & he'll turn away & won't ever look back.. 

A few nights ago, I had an amazing time with Hayden. Met him, went skinny dipping ;) which was a blast! Went to his brothers place & met his cute kitten. We drank, got a little frisky, & it was incredibly hot. Shower time, nakey time &... Sex. Took his virginity.. & then, I'm sure you could guess the ending of this one. He basically told me that he wasn't interested in a boyfriend yet he talked about how he hopes we both meet someone someday. Oh, & also to pretend that night never happened.. Awesome, right? 

I don't understand how it always happens to me? I'm seeing an awful pattern & one I really don't like. I meet a guy, he gets interested in me/meets me, then loses interest... It's so discouraging & im so sick of feeling so down on myself & always thinking that I'm not good enough... This is strange to say, but I can relate to R&H's Cinderella.. Own little corner :) a place I can be myself & feel like I've got a chance.. "You think the prince will take one look at you & fall madly in love? Know your place & be satisfied with what you've got." Harsh advice, but also, I may follow it. 

I can't complain much, cuz I honestly love my life. Love my parents, my friends, select family, & job! I like to work because it gets my mind off of things (when it's busy) .. I've been loving the song Herous lately.. Hence the title. Because I love the words. Hiding away with your loved one yet saving the day & keeping such a big secret from everyone yet having that together. :) so cute. Still hopeful!!

I'm starting to miss people lately too. Thinking about the past. Makay & Chris.. Strange right? I can still picture being with them. I'm just crazy ok!? ;) haha.. My heart needs to learn to be ok with what I've got. Life is good.. & hey. YOU. If you're even out there.. We could be heroes. ❤️

I just...don't know. 😐

Where do I start? Today wasn't bad at all.. Spent it with family at the water park laughing our asses off & getting battle scars from the slides haha. So fun!!

...& I thought I was gonna see Brock tonight. Haha, who am I kidding right? I get it. "He's busy". Well so am I but I still want to make an effort to see you.. & you talk like you want to too, but, I don't know.. You really are so distant lately.. & I feel as though you still talk to your ex, Kevin, & as much as I want to say that that wouldn't bother me, it totally would. I just don't think I have a chance anymore.. With anyone. I feel super insecure lately. With my body, my lonely life & pretty much with any guy that I talk to. & it's crazy because I don't think I'm that bad!! Brock is way out of my league, but even the guys who aren't really that great won't even look at me.. Hmm. What am I doing wrong? I think I might lay low for a while. I need to SERIOUSLY just do me for a short while & stop freaking reaching out to people who don't care regardless. 

There's so many people I want to meet still & try to build friendships with.. But I think something is wrong with me.. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way but what other way should I think? It was my 10th day in a row at work & I've got two more days to go. I can focus on that. & working out especially.. I gotta get on a good grind & do it for me.

I've got a crush on Brock & we all know it's because I fall so fast. I need to cool it & just..well, not talk to him. I definitely lead a lonely life..haha sadly.. But I am getting used to it. Music & family helps. Even though my own family is insane. My sister reached out today through text. HA.. How convenient.. I'm actually so in the dark today with things & im glad I kinda got my mind off of it. This next month, I'm gonna make my bitch! It's me time! Although it's always that time.. I still miss Chris, ya know? It'll be 3 years this fall.. Crazy.. Haha I'm crazy.. Pushing through each day like always. I'm trying :) goodnight. 😚

🎶 & everyone is lookin' around thinking that I'm goin' crazy💙🎶

PS ....starting in the morning, I will not be reaching out to anyone.. 😊😉

"Be Mine" ... (so much has changed)

Wow.. A lot has happened since my last post. "ER" is Eric. Eric is not apart of my life anymore. I really should leave people's names anonymous but I really don't give a fuck ever since I kind of sort of came out. Besides my family, & avoiding to give who I am away, I will name others.. 

Haha anyway! I'm back home for the summer & being that I'm 21, I honestly don't mind. I get to save money & have an awesome job. Photography is still there for me as well. I absolutely despise when people ask me about my future cuz I literally have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Or where I'm going. Or who I'm going with... Aaaahhh the love interest. We're getting there ;). Got rid of my ex best-friend thank god. Although she does show up in my life now & again, unfortunately.. My sister had a meet up with my parents after months of not talking to my mom.. I'm still so upset about her whole ordeal, though I hear she now wants to talk to me. I'm convinced she reaching out only because she wants money for her wedding that no one agrees with.. & because her birthday is coming up.. Wouldn't surprise me. & the sad part is, even though I don't approve of who she's marrying..I know for a fact my dad & most of my family won't approve of my future beau.. 

Speaking of.. Let's get this started. The title, "Be Mine" is a text message that lingered in my message inbox for almost  a full day until I cracked & texted him first. The "him" I'm referring to is Brock. Yes, he's way out of my league & gorgeous beyond belief & yes, he actually somewhat has/had interest in me back. Confused? Well, me too.. I added him on Facebook a week ago & for obvious reasons.. He's stunning. We started messaging & he was being super sweet & outgoing. He's 26, an awesome actor & does theatre.. He got a lead in some play & he's so happy about it :) I'm happy for him. Anyway, I ended the convo leaving him my number & surprisingly enough he text me the next day. We've talked everyday since.. I'm suppose to meet up with him late Saturday..or I guess now it's tonight.. But he hasn't brought it up & he's been sort of distant the more we talk.. Ugh. & of course my insecurities are kicking in. I couldn't even make him a cute video & gave up after 25 takes.. I hope he doesn't stop talking to me :/ it's just crazy a guy like him would even want to talk to me you know? I think what threw me was that he text me nonstop the first few days & now it's gradually stopping.. Which sucks but I kinda know he's busy. & a guy like him? Others would be all over him so he probably wastes time talking to them as well.. We're texting a little bit right now & I'm hoping that he brings up tomorrow! He's very sweet to me & I'm really crossing my fingers! Feels great to write & vent again :) I still think about Chris every now & again.. Til next time!

🎶 I really really really really really really like you 😘🎶

PS- he just "said it for fun" .. So uh.. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up. Right? I haven't met him yet, he's just saying things to say them.. He didn't reach out to me like he usually does. The signs are there.. Gotta be smarter about it I guess. Night world :)