An interesting feeling...

Well, here we are.. Haha, Brock finally told me that he's not interested. I literally just paused to kind of study my feelings, & I have to say, I don't know. It's like, I know I should be hurting & I probably will dawn on it eventually & be sad but... He's so perfect & beautiful & sweet & when I think of me with him, it's almost an impossible thought.. I say finally cuz, well, I knew it. I knew that was going to happen. Maybe that's why I don't hurt? I really don't know...

I'm so incredibly pushy.. Some days more than others. I get that way & it's super annoying. Like I can sense the guys getting irritated. I just won't stop.. I think cuz I want their attention so badly that, once I have it, I don't want it to go. I want them to crave me. Wait, no, that's a little dramatic. I just simply want them to spend their time on me & genuinely enjoy every second. You know what's even crazier? I kind of thought I had a chance for a sec. Hahaha. Jokes on me. 

Ya know, I do believe there are some amazing guys out there. With Brock's eyes. Kevin's smile.. Guys with my heart. & maybe, I've been so sunken lately that I think my emotions are gone at this point. I just look at my life right now, & myself physically, & can't see anybody wanting me. Ever. It's terrible, but it's true. I'm not in any situation to find romance. The kind I'm searching for doesn't exist for guys like me. "Know your place & be satisfied with what you've got."

I'd give anything to walk into a huge ballroom after venturing through a crowd of cars & passing by a gorgeous fountain. To walk into a party with almost all the guys I know.. Wave to a few, feel awkward wearing an outfit that took forever to convince myself that I look good in. Look around the room & just see him glancing over at me.. Take his breath away. Have him walk over & start casually talking to me. Grab my hand & walk through the staring crowd. Haha, I can't even finish. Just cuz that fairy tale bull shit that I know I'll never experience..

Im so incredibly excited to go to Denver & meet those gorgeous girls. It's gonna mean so much to me.. :) I really hope I don't embarrass myself haha. I'm most excited seeing Camila. Hoping to do a pose with her in the pic :) ... I'm gonna move forward, cuz that's all I ever do. I'm so done with hopeful thinking. It's not gonna happen.. I need to accept it. :/ good night 

We could be heroes.

Hello again! Today wasn't a bad day at all! Visited Syd & cute little Zayn. Danced around with Jordan. :) it's been a while since Brock & I have talked a bunch & the last few days we've talked here & there. (I start all the conversations now, of course) ... But it doesn't feel the same. Busy or not, he still checks Facebook & won't text me back. He doesn't send me pictures back like he used to.. It's like he's already getting over the thought of me.. I know I shouldn't care but I do. Because it's a repetitive process.. I don't even really want to meet him cuz I know how it's going to go. My heart will get involved & I'll fall for him & he'll turn away & won't ever look back.. 

A few nights ago, I had an amazing time with Hayden. Met him, went skinny dipping ;) which was a blast! Went to his brothers place & met his cute kitten. We drank, got a little frisky, & it was incredibly hot. Shower time, nakey time &... Sex. Took his virginity.. & then, I'm sure you could guess the ending of this one. He basically told me that he wasn't interested in a boyfriend yet he talked about how he hopes we both meet someone someday. Oh, & also to pretend that night never happened.. Awesome, right? 

I don't understand how it always happens to me? I'm seeing an awful pattern & one I really don't like. I meet a guy, he gets interested in me/meets me, then loses interest... It's so discouraging & im so sick of feeling so down on myself & always thinking that I'm not good enough... This is strange to say, but I can relate to R&H's Cinderella.. Own little corner :) a place I can be myself & feel like I've got a chance.. "You think the prince will take one look at you & fall madly in love? Know your place & be satisfied with what you've got." Harsh advice, but also, I may follow it. 

I can't complain much, cuz I honestly love my life. Love my parents, my friends, select family, & job! I like to work because it gets my mind off of things (when it's busy) .. I've been loving the song Herous lately.. Hence the title. Because I love the words. Hiding away with your loved one yet saving the day & keeping such a big secret from everyone yet having that together. :) so cute. Still hopeful!!

I'm starting to miss people lately too. Thinking about the past. Makay & Chris.. Strange right? I can still picture being with them. I'm just crazy ok!? ;) haha.. My heart needs to learn to be ok with what I've got. Life is good.. & hey. YOU. If you're even out there.. We could be heroes. ❤️

I just...don't know. 😐

Where do I start? Today wasn't bad at all.. Spent it with family at the water park laughing our asses off & getting battle scars from the slides haha. So fun!!

...& I thought I was gonna see Brock tonight. Haha, who am I kidding right? I get it. "He's busy". Well so am I but I still want to make an effort to see you.. & you talk like you want to too, but, I don't know.. You really are so distant lately.. & I feel as though you still talk to your ex, Kevin, & as much as I want to say that that wouldn't bother me, it totally would. I just don't think I have a chance anymore.. With anyone. I feel super insecure lately. With my body, my lonely life & pretty much with any guy that I talk to. & it's crazy because I don't think I'm that bad!! Brock is way out of my league, but even the guys who aren't really that great won't even look at me.. Hmm. What am I doing wrong? I think I might lay low for a while. I need to SERIOUSLY just do me for a short while & stop freaking reaching out to people who don't care regardless. 

There's so many people I want to meet still & try to build friendships with.. But I think something is wrong with me.. I know I shouldn't be thinking that way but what other way should I think? It was my 10th day in a row at work & I've got two more days to go. I can focus on that. & working out especially.. I gotta get on a good grind & do it for me.

I've got a crush on Brock & we all know it's because I fall so fast. I need to cool it & just..well, not talk to him. I definitely lead a lonely life..haha sadly.. But I am getting used to it. Music & family helps. Even though my own family is insane. My sister reached out today through text. HA.. How convenient.. I'm actually so in the dark today with things & im glad I kinda got my mind off of it. This next month, I'm gonna make my bitch! It's me time! Although it's always that time.. I still miss Chris, ya know? It'll be 3 years this fall.. Crazy.. Haha I'm crazy.. Pushing through each day like always. I'm trying :) goodnight. 😚

🎶 & everyone is lookin' around thinking that I'm goin' crazy💙🎶

PS ....starting in the morning, I will not be reaching out to anyone.. 😊😉

"Be Mine" ... (so much has changed)

Wow.. A lot has happened since my last post. "ER" is Eric. Eric is not apart of my life anymore. I really should leave people's names anonymous but I really don't give a fuck ever since I kind of sort of came out. Besides my family, & avoiding to give who I am away, I will name others.. 

Haha anyway! I'm back home for the summer & being that I'm 21, I honestly don't mind. I get to save money & have an awesome job. Photography is still there for me as well. I absolutely despise when people ask me about my future cuz I literally have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Or where I'm going. Or who I'm going with... Aaaahhh the love interest. We're getting there ;). Got rid of my ex best-friend thank god. Although she does show up in my life now & again, unfortunately.. My sister had a meet up with my parents after months of not talking to my mom.. I'm still so upset about her whole ordeal, though I hear she now wants to talk to me. I'm convinced she reaching out only because she wants money for her wedding that no one agrees with.. & because her birthday is coming up.. Wouldn't surprise me. & the sad part is, even though I don't approve of who she's marrying..I know for a fact my dad & most of my family won't approve of my future beau.. 

Speaking of.. Let's get this started. The title, "Be Mine" is a text message that lingered in my message inbox for almost  a full day until I cracked & texted him first. The "him" I'm referring to is Brock. Yes, he's way out of my league & gorgeous beyond belief & yes, he actually somewhat has/had interest in me back. Confused? Well, me too.. I added him on Facebook a week ago & for obvious reasons.. He's stunning. We started messaging & he was being super sweet & outgoing. He's 26, an awesome actor & does theatre.. He got a lead in some play & he's so happy about it :) I'm happy for him. Anyway, I ended the convo leaving him my number & surprisingly enough he text me the next day. We've talked everyday since.. I'm suppose to meet up with him late Saturday..or I guess now it's tonight.. But he hasn't brought it up & he's been sort of distant the more we talk.. Ugh. & of course my insecurities are kicking in. I couldn't even make him a cute video & gave up after 25 takes.. I hope he doesn't stop talking to me :/ it's just crazy a guy like him would even want to talk to me you know? I think what threw me was that he text me nonstop the first few days & now it's gradually stopping.. Which sucks but I kinda know he's busy. & a guy like him? Others would be all over him so he probably wastes time talking to them as well.. We're texting a little bit right now & I'm hoping that he brings up tomorrow! He's very sweet to me & I'm really crossing my fingers! Feels great to write & vent again :) I still think about Chris every now & again.. Til next time!

🎶 I really really really really really really like you 😘🎶

PS- he just "said it for fun" .. So uh.. I guess I shouldn't get my hopes up. Right? I haven't met him yet, he's just saying things to say them.. He didn't reach out to me like he usually does. The signs are there.. Gotta be smarter about it I guess. Night world :) 

Where to start?

Ok, so I'm fairly new at this whole 'blogging' thing.. but I need an outlet. Someone, or.. I guess, something that I can vent to & just let all my emotions out on.

I'll probably talk about my past relationships & bring up names here & there that aren't anyone's REAL names. I think initials will suffice. e.g. CV, BP, CH, KH, KQ, & the most recent, ER.

So I guess I'll just start with a date. Specifically November 28th, 2012. The day I thought I had found the love of my life.. It's almost been two years since that date. Hell, probably a year & a half since I've seen him. I miss him. :/ & not his personality, nor the way that he treated me. But simply just seeing him almost everyday. I want to say he has a girlfriend now. & as time goes on I do get better. I'm just anxious & am terrified for the day that I might see him again... If & when that happens.. I'll keep you posted ;) ... You guys, I put a love letter on the kids windshield :P

I do miss & think about BP almost everyday. But he lives two time zones away. & the more I look back & stalk his profiles, the more I'm like "Ok, you're weird..." it's TOTALLY one of those situations where you look back & can't quite put your finger on what you were thinking.. I'll always care about him tho.. I just recently followed him back on Instagram.

Ok... you might hear about this one quite a bit... Or maybe not.. I'm just SO SICK & tired hearing about how amazing & cute KH & his "husband to be" are.. & to be quite honest, I did like him A LOT. & maybe it is jealousy that makes me so bitter.. but just the fact that those two come up EVERYWHERE in my life ALL OF THE TIME makes me insane!!! I'm to the point where I'm not even happy for them. I blocked them on Facebook. & try my best to just avoid them! Cuz they are good together & it makes me envy their relationship, but I made the mistake of following their "instagram page" that they share (kinda cheesy, right?)  &... it kind of left me heartbroken & dumbfounded. I hated seeing them together & I guess I always will.. & after writing that, I hope to never hear from or see either of them again. :)

Now, to the new guy... ugh.. WHERE TO START!? I met him through the same app I met my ex boyfriend, KQ ( who I don't care to talk about.. or CH for that matter) & at first, I came across as a psychopath... which I will soon be sorry for ;).. but he gave me another chance. I messaged him on Facebook & he instantly responded saying that he was forgiving & that he'd give me another chance.. Long story short, we met up on the night of June 18th. He picked me up in his sexy truck. We went for a drive & listened to music. We sat parked by this random field that had a "For Sale" sign in the middle of it haha. He then said that he wanted to kiss me really bad. & sparks flew. We ended up getting all hot in the back. He asked me to be his boyfriend..the first night!! & we had already decided on "our" song. (Ten Feet Tall) & everything was magical.... for me, at least. "all I can say is I was enchanted to meet you..."
Next day, we meet up again & this time, he takes me to his house. I meet his awesome mom, his stand-offish brother & his cute sister :) We make out in his bed & as this whole thing is going down, I start to think about us more in depth. & how perfect we were together... I don't know, it all just made sense.
We took the cutest snap chat together in his sisters jeep :) even though we didn't know how to take the top of it off!!! haha..
....as I'm writing this I texted him about this blog...& he's replying.. I won't read it until after tho..
Anyway! The night of the 25th, it was our one week, he picked me up. I had brought a blanket & one of my sweaters that I sprayed my cologne all over for him.. he picked me up & took me off-roading & up this mountain. Near the top, he pulls off & I see the most beautiful sunset & an open field!! I tried to tweet it but he just kept kissing me haha. We make out for a while, give each other blow jobs & the proceed to the back to watch Harry Potter. The feeling is amazing & we kept cuddling in all sorts of positions. We end up getting naked, but have the most self control we had to not have sex. We get dressed & cuddle in his truck bed.. We didn't finish the movie, because throughout the process of the entire date he was like, acting all rushed & panicked. I met his friend & she was dramatic at first, but come to find out she liked me :) & we ended the night with him telling me that he can't see me everyday & that I need to relax... which leads to the next day where he tells me he only felt something the first night. That we're going in different directions & that we moved too fast with it..

Of course, I sat in my car & bawled. Over by the lake as it rained.. I let out a good cry & then drove over to my softball games.. second week in this league. & I don't know, the game is just an escape. Met a REALLY cute, serious & quiet boy on my team. We talked a bit back & fourth & he was smiling at me a couple times. Light blue eyes, dark hair & tan skin... <3 just mmm. & he kicked ass. But I then noticed that I wasn't thinking about my current situation. & when I got home, I let it out again & we texted back & fourth. He told me he still wanted a friendship to see if it could progress.. & right now, it is very up & down with me & him. We hadn't talked all day (which is weird) until I text him about this blog. No more calling him babe, or kissing him, blah blah blah :( He's got a lot on his mind & he told me that, but I'm so sick of getting my hopes up & not feeling good enough.. "..tell me it's All Alright" - song was released right when I needed it :)

I've typed long enough & hopefully I put enough detail for me to remember haha. But I mainly started this blog because... I just feel something is different about this one... & I know that sounds super cliche but I can't help but think I'm right... I guess we will see... Until next time!