I'm so incredibly pushy.. Some days more than others. I get that way & it's super annoying. Like I can sense the guys getting irritated. I just won't stop.. I think cuz I want their attention so badly that, once I have it, I don't want it to go. I want them to crave me. Wait, no, that's a little dramatic. I just simply want them to spend their time on me & genuinely enjoy every second. You know what's even crazier? I kind of thought I had a chance for a sec. Hahaha. Jokes on me.
Ya know, I do believe there are some amazing guys out there. With Brock's eyes. Kevin's smile.. Guys with my heart. & maybe, I've been so sunken lately that I think my emotions are gone at this point. I just look at my life right now, & myself physically, & can't see anybody wanting me. Ever. It's terrible, but it's true. I'm not in any situation to find romance. The kind I'm searching for doesn't exist for guys like me. "Know your place & be satisfied with what you've got."
I'd give anything to walk into a huge ballroom after venturing through a crowd of cars & passing by a gorgeous fountain. To walk into a party with almost all the guys I know.. Wave to a few, feel awkward wearing an outfit that took forever to convince myself that I look good in. Look around the room & just see him glancing over at me.. Take his breath away. Have him walk over & start casually talking to me. Grab my hand & walk through the staring crowd. Haha, I can't even finish. Just cuz that fairy tale bull shit that I know I'll never experience..
Im so incredibly excited to go to Denver & meet those gorgeous girls. It's gonna mean so much to me.. :) I really hope I don't embarrass myself haha. I'm most excited seeing Camila. Hoping to do a pose with her in the pic :) ... I'm gonna move forward, cuz that's all I ever do. I'm so done with hopeful thinking. It's not gonna happen.. I need to accept it. :/ good night